9/11 Stand Up!

These days I am contemplating an end to all the turmoil and constant disappointments. I am looking at my best options which is easier for me to handle. Although, honestly they all are easier solutions to my life which at times seems hopeless. A simple end to all the madness. Perhaps, there won’t be any pay outs by the insurance company, due to the nature of my departing and being it’s a union burial fund, not much there. I’ll lay out my best dress and hope my wishes are followed but what voice will I have after it’s all said and done. They’ll choose the church or hall and burial ground or worst send me to Potter’s Field mixed up with all kinds of serial killers, rapist, and the homeless guy that asked me for change a year ago outside a Starbucks, when I brought a medium coffee and I didn’t drop any change in his cup because I was dry after buying a cup. Just a few pennies left in my pocket. Could you imagine my fate laying in Potter’s Field besides that guy. “Life Is A Bitch And Then You Die” his shirt will read with the decomposing remains of thousands of lifeless bodies and I’m there too because I’m poor and the fact that “Karma Is A Bitch” for my dying fate to lay beside him in a monstrous field. Karma, because you didn’t give a penny to that guy.

I never earned enough to purchase my lot and I always wanted a Mausoleum holding my ashes in it somewhere. Yes I have goals. Just imagine the hurt and relief at the same time. A few pennies to collect when I’m gone, perhaps the best sweet 16 she can have, because she would now be able to finally have a car, a jalopy at that with the leftover change from my previous union. I honestly am not seeing tears in this scene with my love ones, just my own relief from everything, the bills, the NYC rent to live in the not so nice area, the debt and student loans. Good riddance. Oh yea, it’s been months since going back and forth with the student loans I can’t afford to pay since graduating from Graduate school a little over a year now. Like so many grads looking to start their careers, except I’m 39 not 22. Tirelessly looking for steady employment, besides the temp crap assignments that are minimum wage and call you when your either evicted or reading a book in the dark with a candle because your lights are turned off, and oh yeah, a teen that I can say is more than a joyride these days. Sure depression has come many days not even knocking at my door, depression just walks right in and creeps into my bed holding me hostage like sleeping beauty.

I’m in over my freaking head here. I seriously mean it and I’m 5 minutes away from dialing 911. Listen up pal.

“911 What is the emergency?”

“I need help. “

“How can I help you?”

“Listen, I am jobless, hopeless and in debt. I am in over my head.”

“Ok, try to breathe. I’ll send paramedics to you. May I have your address of your location ma’am?”

“I’m at Poverty Road and Disenfranchised Street right off between Single Mother Avenue and Black Street. “

“Ma’am I need a valid address. I can’t send help if you can’t confirm your location. “

I don’t know if it’s my retired Christian self or the fact that my daughter needs me till she’s at least 21, not 18, because these young people are so irresponsible, or the fact I adopted a kitten a couple months ago, and despite the unruly behavior by damaging my things unknowingly. I’ve fallen for her furry tail, her purrs, meows and whining when she wants to play. Its comforting knowing you are needed in this world even for a feline. Teens they need us right? At least they think they don’t until their cellphone is turned off due to payment. “Mom when are you going to pay the bill? I need my phone. I can’t do anything without my phone. ” Notice your not the cellphone, so your unimportant these days, just a cash cow. Milk mama! Even though my account and pockets are very dry these days. I am nearly 40 and baffled at my life these days, trying to figure out a new start. If life really begins at 40, somewhere I’ve seen it I think. Most people my age are investing in their retirement, getting ready to send their kids off to college or have already purchased a home and getting a second one. Me on the other hand, has to start all over from scratch like a kid out of college, except I can’t sofa surf because I’m a single parent raising a child whose health has been in fight mode the last few years. Perhaps that has contributed to whatever economic growth I have access to. Poverty is an ongoing cycle that is a revolving door.

“Exactly, you can’t help me.” Click

I wish I knew how to tell you a tall tale of my life here but since it’s only the beginning of this blog. You will have to just follow me on this journey.

Anyhow, today is 9/11 and today is 9/11/19. Today we give a moment of silence for those who lost their lives in one of the most gruesome horrific tragedies in history. This is a day of survival, honor and integrity for this country we love despite our own hate at times. We all defend America because we have not removed our feet from its soil. We are standing here, so in respect, give a moment of silence. I will never forget that day, in which my entire world went still for a moment in time.

I arose from a nightmare that morning and my nightmare became a reality. I could not believe my eyes what I saw before me on the television, it was what I had dreamed. I arose from a vision of flames from a high rise with papers flying around like bright white like paper planes. I saw my aunt running barefoot speaking in such jibberish, chanting unknown words with a stream of tears flowing from her eyes. I grabbed her hands and the elevator doors opened but we couldn’t escape that way, so we headed for the stairs, women and men escaping the wrath, ties strewn on banisters, black heels aligned the stairway, and pursues were on the floor. The last sudden bang released more furry and flames as we hurriedly went down the steps in a state of fear.

The news was surreal and perhaps I’d fallen into a deeper sleep. I stared at the glaring lights from the television, the smoke, rescue workers and parts of a plane hinged onto one of towers as the fire grew larger. That morning, I was on my way to apply for jobs at the mall under the World Trade Center. I had applications filled out already in a folder sitting on my nightstand. J. Crew, Strawberry, Eddie Bauer, Banana Republic, Limited, Express and so on. I was applying to retail positions at that location specifically because my aunt worked in building 4 at WTC. That day, I had planned to apply for jobs there and have lunch with my aunt at the WTC where she worked for many many years. My heart raced thinking if she had escaped. I found out later that night she made it because she was actually late that morning, a lady that was always on time or early. The subways were silent that day. The air was thick for many weeks after, and at times, day would resemble night and night day. I remember the clouds were a fiery red with hues of orange. That day I will never forget. My aunt will never forget. We will never forget!

5 minutes of silence to honor those who lost their lives and to the many first responders who gave their life. 9/11!